ACT, its best friend COMPASSION, and THE REAL THING

ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY (ACT) – AN ONLINE RESOURCE of inspirational quotes, poems and other act goodies!
And introducing COMPASSION, ACT’s best friend!

Q: Why is it so important to do the real thing?

A: Because if you don’t you are only play acting. You’ll be hollow at your core.

It’s not easy saying no, especially if we’re used to saying yes.  It’s not easy disappointing people, especially if we are people-pleasers. It’s not easy upsetting someone, especially if we crave their approval. It’s not easy, but sometimes it’s essential.

It is not good for us to constantly put our own wishes, needs, desires on the back-burner. It’s not good for us to automatically put other people’s priorities before our own. It’s not good for us to quickly consign our own plans to the bottom of the heap just because someone else implies theirs are more important. None of this is good for us, for our sense of self worth.

What message are we sending to ourselves when we say that what we want is not important, what we like doing is insignificant, what matters to us is not worth prioritising?

We do teach other people how to treat us. If we are always ready to let their needs over-ride our own, we should not be surprised if they don’t think our needs are important. If we don’t value them, why should anyone else?

We all have things that matter to us, really matter. These are the things that make us feel right, at ease with ourselves, in harmony with our deepest being. These are not things to trivialise, to treat with disrespect. These are the things that for us are the real thing. Of course our real thing won’t matter to someone else. Why should it? They have their own real thing to bother about.

The trouble is that when we don’t do what matters to us, when we neglect the things that make us feel alive, we will pay a price. We will feel jittery and dis-satisfied inside because we are not feeding ourselves what we need.

Some of us may have spent so much time pleasing others that we’re not at all sure what really pleases us. If this is the case then it’s high time that we found out. We owe it to ourselves to do the real thing, and to do it more often. When we do this we feel good inside, and then we have more to give away. We can’t pour from an empty cup.

And don’t let’s beat ourselves up about any of this. Let’s treat ourselves with the same compassion that many of us spend a lot of time dishing out to others. Treating ourselves well does not mean treating everyone else badly. Not at all. Everyone’s a winner when we are doing the real thing, when we are being authentic. When we feel good inside then we have more of that goodness to give away.

I wrote “EVERYONE’S A WINNER” to remind me of that.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

  • How do you make time to do the real thing, to do what matters to you?
  • Is authenticity something you value in your own life?
  • What can you share that might be of help to others?

Please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

POEM FOR TODAY

EVERYONE’S A WINNER

Committing to the real thing, now that can be rather hard,

To discard the easy options and the real thing to safe-guard,

As we ward off all intruders who would steal our energy,

And be determined that usurpers will be seen off finally.

There is no-one to protect it, so it’s we who must be strong,

Be resistant to time-snatchers, and tell them to move along,

For though the real thing is essential for our peace and happiness,

It is a bother to the others who want more from us not less.

And so, let’s not be easy pickings for the ones who would prefer

That we set aside the real thing as to their wants we defer,

For though it may not seem important to distinguish yours and mine

It will be too late complaining if you rise as we decline.

And there’ll be time enough for sharing and for comforting and more,

But if we neglect the real thing we’ll be hollow at our core,

And no amount of substitution or addressing other’s needs

Will compensate us for the real thing as it bit by bit recedes.

And so, let’s not be slow to woo it, nor to keep it close at hand,

For when we spend time with the real thing then we come to understand

That when we’re satisfied inside us there is no room for dismay,

And everyone’s a winner when we’ve more to give away.

© Corinne Shields, 2019

If you enjoyed “EVERYONE’S A WINNER” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT, and its best friend COMPASSION ……..

Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) puts enormous store by authenticity. Values work is one of its core principles. When we discover what our values are and use them as our guide, then we are on the road to living an authentic life. A value-driven life will mean that we will be doing the real thing more often, and when we’re not we will have a yardstick to measure by.

On a personal note, doing my real thing means spending regular time writing. I try to post weekly. It’s good for me. It helps me to focus on things that matter to me, and I hope others enjoy reading what I write.

And, of course, I am writing my book, or books if things go according to plan. This plan, such as it is, won’t come to much if I don’t stay committed. This is why ACT is important to me. ACT is about accepting things we can’t change but it is about committing to things that we can, things that are important and reflect our values.

So, I plod on, doing a bit each day, and in time, not too long I hope, I will have something concrete to show for it.

Progress this week has included changing the title and the proposed cover for the book. In the last post I shared the working title:

Now I’ve changed my mind. It is, after all, just like me, a work in progress.

And I’ve finished writing the book!! So, progress is being made. And, perhaps more importantly, when I am involved in it I feel I am doing the real thing!!!!

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life? What can YOU do just for today to add some Compassion, some Kindness, into your life?

 Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you? Is Compassion part of your life?

I am a student of ACT, I am learning about Compassion.  I am on a journey.  I would love you to join me.

With all good wishes

Corinne

ACT, its best friend COMPASSION, and DECISIONS

ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY (ACT) – AN ONLINE RESOURCE of inspirational quotes, poems and other act goodies!
And introducing COMPASSION, ACT’s best friend!

 

Q: I’m not sure where my responsibilities lie.  What should I do? 

A: Wait awhile.  Remember, fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

It can be difficult to know where our responsibilities lie, where we should set our boundaries.  Some of us may feel we are like Mr or Mrs Fix-It.  We should be rushing in to solve someone else’s problems.  We see someone in trouble and we think we know what is the best thing to do.  Funny how we can see someone else’s situation so clearly when, so often, we have so much difficulty making sense of our own!

If we are in a quandary, if we are not sure what to do, then probably the best thing we can do is do nothing.  That in itself is a decision.  The decision to do nothing may be the best decision that we can make right now.  And if the decision we are wavering over concerns something that we can’t control then doing nothing is definately a good option.  Letting go and letting things run their course may not be easy, but it is likely to be infinitely better than interfering in things that are not our business.

A word about compassion here.  Whilst all this is going on let’s recognise that none of this is easy.  Treating ourselves with kindness and compassion in difficult situations is something I am learning about and it is helping me.  It’s something that I shall be exploring more and more in this blog.  I hope you will come along with me on the journey.

It’s official.  Compassion is good for you.

I wrote “DECISIONS” to remind me of that.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

  • How do you cope when you are unsure of your responsibilities?
  • Are you willing to explore the possibilities that Compassion can bring into your life?
  • What can you share that might be of help to others?

Please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

POEM FOR TODAY

DECISIONS

 

It can be hard deciding where responsibility lies,

To establish where our borders are so we can recognise

When we’re straying into territories where we’re not meant to be,

Yes, it can be hard to know where we can go legitimately.

And sometimes we are encouraged by another to wade in

And to mind another’s business, uninvited to begin

To enforce our own solutions to a problem we perceive,

Well, let’s not be too surprised if it’s resistance we receive.

For nobody will take kindly to such interference if

It is given unsolicited, and with a certain whiff

Of a distinct disapproval and a sense of censure, so

Let’s be sure where we’re about to go is where we want to go.

For sometimes it’s best allowing things to simply run their course,

We can’t know that our solutions represent the best recourse,

And when we’re deliberating should we go, or should we stay,

It is seldom wrong deciding just to wait another day.

And when we have a dilemma let’s not roll it round and round

Without remembering that compassion has an input to expound,

And if we listen to its soothing words which calm our fractured mind

Then it may be that our decision is much easier to find.

© Corinne Shields, 2017

If you enjoyed, “DECISIONS” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT, and its best friend COMPASSION ……..

I stumbled across Compassion when I was having some difficult times in my own life.  ACT was helping me, is still helping me, but Compassion is a lovely adjunct, a wonderful companion to have at your side.

The book that I recommended in my last post is the one that introduced me to Compassion.  It is the one that I am still reading, still studying, still recommending.  It is a great place to start if you are new to Compassion.

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

 

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life? What can YOU do just for today to add some Compassion, some Kindness, into your life?

 Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you? Is Compassion part of your life?

I am a student of ACT, I am learning about Compassion.  I am on a journey.  I would love you to join me.

With all good wishes

Corinne

ACT and Boundaries

ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY (ACT) – An Online Resource

Q:  What should I do if people overstep the mark?

A:  Fix your boundaries!

boundaries

I had not intended to write a post about boundaries, I had not even been thinking about them, and then I read a post written by Tony at Sir Tonix entitled “Learn To Say No” and it got me thinking.

I really like what Tony has to say and I like the way that he says it, so if you have a problem with setting boundaries then I recommend you head over and pay him a visit.

Essentially he outlines seven steps that we can take to help us stop letting people walk all over us or, as is also often the case, to stop us walking all over other people.

One of those steps rang particularly clearly to me.  If we start setting new boundaries he warns us that we can expect a push back.  Of course we can.  But forewarned is forearmed!  We don’t have to roll over.

I know I can have problems with boundaries.  Mine can be a bit leaky at times and that can cause no end of trouble.  But we do have a right to say no.  Healthy boundaries are good for everyone.

I wrote the poem “BOUNDARIES” to remind me of that.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

  • How do you deal with leaky boundaries?
  • How good are you at setting healthy boundaries?
  • What can you share that might be of help to others?

Please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

TIP FOR TODAY

POEM FOR TODAY

TRESPASS 5

BOUNDARIES

Let’s think a bit of boundaries, our own and all the rest,

And let’s reflect on how our boundaries can work to serve us best,

For they’re there for a good reason and can serve us very well

If we know how to protect them and insurgents can repel.

There are those who’d seek to breech them, there are those that we’d invade,

And then wonder at the trouble inadvertently we’ve made

When we’re feeling very threatened or we’re warned to stay away,

Yes our boundaries are there to help us fight another day.

And it’s not easy to interpret the mixed messages they send

When we’re getting muddled up in where they start and where they end,

But we’d do well to re-establish where our boundary lines fall

Before we’re caught out in a trespass and relationships then stall.

But let’s not be too defensive, nor else careless cross a line,

Let us try to remain flexible when boundaries we define,

For when we’re learning to set limits in a skilful way we’ll see

That a bit of give and take works best with any boundary.

© Corinne Shields, 2015

If you enjoyed, “BOUNDARIES” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT …..

The following quotation seems to me encapsulate the ACT therapeutic message when it comes to setting boundaries.  Why?  Because VALUES are at the heart of it.  It can be difficult to know where to set our boundaries.  For those of us who find it hard to say no, boundaries may have become blurred if not non-existent.  We may have forgotten where we end and someone else begins, we may have become fused to such an extent with someone else’s life that we have lost all sense of our own individuality.  This is not OK.

If we are aware of this and ready to begin to reinstall our boundaries but are unsure where to begin, then our values can be our best guide.  They will not mislead us.

Which brings us to the ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life?

 Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you?

I am a student of ACT.  I am on a journey.  I would love you to join me.

With all good wishes

Corinne